God’s Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your   name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper

___ Bible

___ Torah

___ Book of Mormon

___ Koran

___ Other Book

___ Television

___ Divine Inspiration

___ Word of mouth

___ Dead Sea scrolls

___ My mama done told me

___ Near Death Experience

___ Near-life experience

___ National Public Radio

___ Tabloid

___ Burning Shrubbery

___ Who?

___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

___ Yahweh

___ Jehovah

___ Allah

___ Krishna

___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)

___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)

___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)

___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes

__ No

If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.

Please indicate all that apply.

___ Not eternal

___ Not omniscient

___ Not omnipotent

___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe

___ Permits sex outside of marriage

___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

___ Makes mistakes (e.g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)

___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

___ Requires burnt offerings

___ Requires virgin sacrifices

___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?

Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents

___ Needed a reason to live

___ Indoctrinated by society

___ Needed target for rage

___ Imaginary friend grew up

___ Hate to think for self

___ Wanted to meet girls/boys

___ Needed blind moral righteousness to justify violence

___ Fear of death

___ To piss off parents

___ Needed a day away from work

___ Enjoy organ music

___ Needed to feel morally superior

___ Graduated from the tooth fairy

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

Please check all that apply.

___ Self-help books

___ Tarot/Astrology

___ Star Trek re-runs

___ Fortune cookies

___ Ann Landers

___ Psychic Friends Network

___ Dianetics

___ Playboy and/or Playgirl

___ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll

___ Biorhythms

___ EST

___ Television

___ Mantras

___ Jimmy Swaggart

___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)

___ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by?

Please check all that apply.

___ Odin

___ Cthulhu

___ Baal

___ Beelzebub

___ The Almighty Dollar

___ The Conservative Right

___ Mick Jagger

___ Bill Gates

___ The Great Pumpkin

___ Ronald Reagan

___ A burning cabbage

___ LSD/Mushrooms

___ Other: (Please Specify) ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 flood

1 2 3 4 5 famine

1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 war

1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 plague

Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 rescues

1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions

1 2 3 4 5 crying statues

1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

1 2 3 4 5 walking on water

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy

1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers

1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?

1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet(s) if necessary)

02:00 PM - Dec. 8, 2006

questionario

Ottimo per chi pensa che Dio dovrebbe esssere unSuperman sempre pronto a salvare ogni bambino che sta per cadere dalla finestra, ogni fumatore che sta per accendere una sigaretta, ecc. E anche per chi pensa che avrebbe potuto fare un mondo migliore, che non evolve per supernove, per movimenti di zolle, per competizione e cooperazione tra organismi. E\' una stragrande maggioranza.

Pierluigi Assogna - 10:51 AM - Mar. 8, 2007